waveform_delta (waveform_delta) wrote,
waveform_delta
waveform_delta

LJ Idol: Introduction

"So...that happened."

That's how I've been greeting close confidants in the last two days.

Context: I am a citizen of the United States.

More context: I am supposed to be introducing myself in this post, to tell you about myself for this next round of LJI, but the truth is I'm not really up to it.

I could tell you for instance that in meatspace, I am white and male and heterosexual and cisgendered and relatively affluent and many other things. Given what just happened here, where I am a citizen, that might mean several things to you. If nothing else, you might think that I'd have little to worry about, maybe that I even wanted this.

But I didn't. I wanted...something else. The opposite of what happened, I guess, whatever that would be.

I wanted things to work out better.

And now I'm supposed to write an intro, and I'm not really up to it, because this thing has hit me harder than I thought it would, and I am sick with worry for the people I know and care about, who are not male, or white, or heterosexual, and even those who are all those things and still feel the same way I do. I am wracked with shame over having not done more, not managing to get people I know to choose differently. I am fighting off despair, and feeling shame for that, because I know I'm likely not to have it so bad, and that my despair is nothing when weighed against those who have far more to fear now than they did three days ago, far more to fear than I will.

I am angry. Angry that I didn't do more, that others didn't do more, that others did things to undo what we DID do, that still others did nothing much at all. Angry that the country I thought I knew could be so foreign to me. Angry that if it had gone the other way, others would be angry instead, which would not have made me happy in the slightest. Angry that there is really nothing for me to do with all this anger except sit and wait and hope for it to pass, and finally, when I'm capable, if I ever am, begin the painful work of trying to undo what has been done and hopefully build a path towards a country I'd be proud to call mine.

Most of all though...I'm just tired.

So. I guess this is not a happy introduction. I'm sorry. It's what I can manage, right now.

The next one will be better, hopefully.
Tags: lj idol, season 10, week 0
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